Tag Archive | plans

I’ll Drink To That

Oct29
Evening gowns and high heel shoes.  Black ties and shined shoes.  Multiple place settings and dimmed lights.  Flower shaped butter and sweet tea in champagne glasses.  “Let’s Do Dinner” the program read as we took our seats for the evening’s Plated Banquet.
Our presenter walked us through all of the proper etiquette techniques while having both Business Meeting Luncheons and Professional Ballroom Dining experiences.  She talked about how to know which fork to use and that when you cut your meat, cut away from yourself.  She showed us how, the way you leave your napkin when leaving the table, sends a message to your server as to whether or not you’ll be back.  (I’ll admit, it was quite entertaining seeing one guy take his with him and then watching the waiter silently freak out when the table wasn’t uniformed.)  The guest of honor is seated to the right of the host and the next most important guest is on their left.  She spoke of who drinks when during a toast and demonstrated how to give a proper toast.  Then she had everyone practice.
Rebecca, the hostess of our table, raised her glass and said, “I would like to give a toast to Stephanie Brown.  We don’t know why you’re here, but we know it’s important.”  We all laughed because it had quickly become the joke of the weekend.
Lately, I’ve been wanting to see all of these random pieces of my own story fit together so badly that I couldn’t help but feel that toast on a larger level.  I couldn’t help but think that I have no idea why I’m here; here, as in this place of my journey right now.  But I know it’s important…

A Boy Called Rusty

Oct9
I used to curl up in the living room in front of our television with the rest of the family for The Closer every Monday night.  Mainly because of the fact that the main character was Chief Brenda Lee Johnson, played by Kyra Sedgwick.  I have a high respect for the lady who would not only close most every single case but win and allowed chocolate to be her side kick.  As the TNT series was coming to an end, we were introduced to a boy called Rusty.
Rusty is a teenage boy who was found in downtown Los Angeles by the Major Crimes division of the LAPD when it was determined he was the key witness to a murder.  By the series finale, Rusty was needing to be kept in protective custody.  Therefore, he went home to stay with Captain Sharon Rayder.  Cue the opening music to the spin-off show Major Crimes.  That tradition of settling in and turning the tv to TNT has continued with Major Crimes.  For the most part the cast is the same, but Rusty’s story is now the common thread that ties each week together.  Rusty is the reason that I tune in!
Over the past couple of weeks, we have learned that Rusty was abandoned by his mom when she left him for her boyfriend.  The same boyfriend who used to pound Rusty’s face until the day that Rusty beat the crap out of him.  The very next day is when mom and said boyfriend took him to the zoo and never came back for him.  My blood is boiling even while I type this!  I cannot fathom a mom choosing her abusive boyfriend over her son.  Since the night we learned Rusty’s mom wasn’t coming back, Captain Rayder has had folks on the search for Rusty’s dad (whom Rusty had never met).  Last night, after only two episodes of Rusty’s dad being in the picture, Sharon came home to find Rusty with black eyes and a busted lip.  When she asked him what happened, we learned his dad had done this to him.  WHAT IN THE WORLD?!?!  Again, I cannot fathom what it must feel like to be Rusty.
There I sat, curled up on the opposite end of the couch of my own dad.  My dad who has been the spiritual leader of our house my entire life, Jesus in the flesh.  My dad who loves my mom and all three of us crazy girls.  My dad who has empowered me to think for myself and supported my decisions, even the ones he did not necessarily understand at the time.  How is it fair that I hit the jackpot when it comes to dads and there are kids like Rusty all over the place?  I come home to sober parents, who have created a safe home for, not just the three girls born to them but, all of our friends too.  It’s not unusual to walk in and find our friends visiting with our parents when we weren’t even there, but there are other kids who have never heard the words “I love you” or “I’m proud of you” come from their parents’ mouths.  That’s not okay with me!
I know God is stirring up something in my heart, something that’s going to allow me to stand in the gaps for kids like Rusty.  I’m not gonna lie, it freaks me out a little because I know it’s probably not going to make sense to a lot of people.  It’s not going to allow me to be safe and I like to feel safe.  Like, a LOT.  Parts of it are a little scary and I can’t stand to be scared.  I love Christmas, not Halloween.
The thing is though, I’m also being reminded that the heart of God is not always a safe place to be.  In fact, it’s usually pretty unsafe.  If I want to go with God, I have to be willing to build an ark and ride it for forty days and forty nights with snakes, spiders, and mosquitoes.  If I want to go with God, I have to be willing to lay my son on the altar knowing God will provide the ram.  It’s not all adding up to me, but faith usually doesn’t…
Right?
RIGHT?!?

But That Wasn’t the Plan

Oct8

In August of 2003, I packed my bags and moved to Mars Hill, North Carolina as a freshman at Mars Hill College.  If you’ve never heard of Mars Hill, don’t fret– most people haven’t.  Just think: Asheville.  I have determined that you do not find Mars Hill; Mars Hill finds you.  Graduating from MHC as a Youth Ministry major had been the plan all along.  The path to graduation had a few bumps and turns in the road along the way, but I stayed steady the course and finished.  I mean, come on, that was the plan!

In December of 2007, I packed everything up and moved back to Rocky Mount.  Some of you who either grew up here or now live here are probably floored by that decision.  Who moves back here?!?  Yeah, I was wondering that too.  I could have easily stayed.  If I had not been so broken and exhausted by the time I walked across the stage to shake the President’s hand to receive my diploma, staying may have been more appealing.  But I was so it wasn’t.  Instead, I crawled in the car with my family and close family friends who had come to see that infamous walk and help me move everything back east.  I wasn’t sure what would be next.  I mean, there wasn’t a plan in place.  Most college graduates have a plan.  Right?  They’re either taking a job somewhere or starting graduate school.  I, of all people, should have had a plan.  I always have a plan.  This time was different; there wasn’t a plan.  All I knew was that I was in the back seat of a car headed East on I-40 and I was already feeling overwhelmed with all of the what-ifs. (What if I don’t find a job?  What if I can’t start paying my student loans back?  What if I end up in Rocky Mount forever?  What if my degree really is useless?  What if I need to see a doctor but don’t have health insurance?)

Now, almost five years later, I still don’t feel like I have a plan.  At all.  I was a Youth Ministry major and now I’m working as a Director of Admissions.  I was the one who thought she’d be married and living elsewhere by now, anywhere else.  I always saw myself on stage somewhere, honestly.  And you may be thinking that I somehow missed the mark along the way.  (I often wonder that myself.)  But that wasn’t the plan.  At least, that wasn’t God’s plan. 

Y’all know how much of a planner I can be.  That I’m a sucker for cute calendars and fun pens to color coordinate it all.  I’m learning that I don’t have to always have a plan.  As much as I’d like to sometimes.  And that’s a relief because if I did– I would be feeling like an epic failure right about now. 

I’ve been reminded, in some pretty painful ways lately, that God’s plan is bigger and cooler than anything I could ever come up with.  I’m being reminded that He still, absolutely, has the plan in place and in motion and that should be enough for me.  I’m being reminded that, if I’ll stop focusing on what the future has in store, I can be so much more faithful today.  And today is all I’m promised so today is where my focus should be.  

To say that I’m there yet would be misleading…

Happily Ever After or Until Death Do You Part (Whichever One Comes First)

Jun5

About five years ago, a friend of mine stood before God, family, and friends and made a vow with the boy she loved “to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.”  They were the epitome of a fairytale love story.  If ever there was a couple that everyone knew would go the distance—it was those two.

Never in a million years would she have ever believed that we would one day be discussing the ways she’s now struggling with how on earth she’s supposed to move on after the loss of her husband.  She lost him to war efforts about two years ago; a freak accident during a training exercise.  They have two children together and she’s in her early thirties.

She talked about all the people who want to set her up with someone.  She talked about the really good guy-friend she has, who would date her (probably even marry her) in a heartbeat.  Excitement filled her voice as she told story after story with how he is with the kids.  I asked her why she didn’t just go for it; since she’s pretty sure she’s falling for him too.  She shared that it’s not like she’s not ready to move on, it’s “just that there are so many factors in how to handle what all of this should look like”.

I listened curiously as she talked about: the complications of how to date when you have kids, the feeling of guilt she has when she considers dating someone who isn’t her late husband, the fear of allowing herself to get involved with someone that may not last and having a whole new kind of pain to get through, getting past all of the opinions of whether or not it’s “too soon” to move on, all the hesitation she has of bringing a boy who has never been married before into such a tangled web, and dealing with the obstacle of “they aren’t my in-laws anymore but they’re still my kids’ family.  I don’t even know what to call them anymore.  He’s not my father-in-law anymore, but what is he?”  I listened so intently and was with her every word of the conversation until she took a deep breath and said, “What do you think?”

I hate that question!  It’s not that I didn’t have a thought or opinion.  Let’s be honest, I almost always have a thought or opinion about something.  I was just struggling with how to offer anything to my friend when I’ve never been married before, so I’ve certainly never lost my spouse before.  I cannot even begin to comprehend how she’s feeling these days, and I undoubtedly didn’t want to pretend like I do.  So, I tried to share what I do know:

It’s okay to be nervous!  It’s not a mistake that this “good friend” is here now.  This guy hasn’t been married before, so what?  The fact that you have and that you have kids from a previous marriage clearly doesn’t scare him, or he wouldn’t keep hanging around.  Maybe he understands that “until death do you part” means just that.  God is not going to bring someone new into your world without having prepared them for all that your world brings.  Whether or not it’s “too soon” is up to you.  I would start the moving on by taking off the wedding ring, girl.  You aren’t married anymore.  I have no idea what you call your former in-laws.  Maybe “my kids’ grandparents”.  How do you date when you have kids?  I have no idea!  I struggle with the dating questions sans children, but I know it doesn’t bother him that you have kids or he wouldn’t be so smitten with them now.  He would go running in the other direction.  My advice is to breathe and be thankful that God has brought this guy your direction.  You don’t want to miss out on what He’s doing because you’re what if-ing yourself to death.  God was not at all flabbergasted by what we all considered to be a freak accident.  He knew it was coming before it happened.  He wasn’t caught off-guard then and He isn’t shocked today with all of your questions. 

I have no idea why on earth I’m the friend she brought all of this up with, because I clearly am not an expert in this area.  I don’t even consider myself to have reached rookie level, really.  I also did not want to seem insensitive with what I offered as suggestions.  Do you know what I thought about as I moved on after our conversation?  I thought: may the walls collapse.  I was just in on two people being incredibly honest with each other about their worlds, hearts, and thoughts on each other.

You really have to be careful what you pray for…