Tag Archive | waiting

When Grace Sneaks In With A Face

Nov9
I hadn’t given it much thought until I got asked about it last night.  How had I previously written it off and not considered it?  Could I get beyond it if it turned out to be true?  And why on Earth was I dignifying any of it with this kind of physical response?  It doesn’t even matter, right?  Right?!?  I kept waking up all night feeling literally sick to my stomach as confusion and disappointment from the Enemy continued to close in on me.
 
Even as I sat at my desk today, my mind kept wandering as I thought about how much consideration this whole ordeal should even get from me.  Is that something you can just come right out and ask?  Does it matter?  Would it change things?  It’s not something you’d just bring up in casual conversation, right?  Right?!?  Or can you?!?
 
And then she snuck into my office, all smiles and glowing.  She who travels in humility and patience and joy.  We shared in celebration that, not only was it Friday, but it was a three day weekend too!  As crazy as this week had been, we weren’t sure it would get here.  And then she did it.  She spoke Truth with a ton of Grace and reminded me that when God said He could make all things new, He meant ALL things.  She was able to remind me that He is not the Author of confusion and fear.  And she encouraged me to take heart because it’s coming.  It won’t be my definition of “soon”; that’s been obvious in how slow it’s all been moving up until now.
 
So while my Newsfeed is blowing up with what people are thankful for on this ninth day of November, I am so thankful that sometimes Grace sneaks in with a face…

I’ll Drink To That

Oct29
Evening gowns and high heel shoes.  Black ties and shined shoes.  Multiple place settings and dimmed lights.  Flower shaped butter and sweet tea in champagne glasses.  “Let’s Do Dinner” the program read as we took our seats for the evening’s Plated Banquet.
Our presenter walked us through all of the proper etiquette techniques while having both Business Meeting Luncheons and Professional Ballroom Dining experiences.  She talked about how to know which fork to use and that when you cut your meat, cut away from yourself.  She showed us how, the way you leave your napkin when leaving the table, sends a message to your server as to whether or not you’ll be back.  (I’ll admit, it was quite entertaining seeing one guy take his with him and then watching the waiter silently freak out when the table wasn’t uniformed.)  The guest of honor is seated to the right of the host and the next most important guest is on their left.  She spoke of who drinks when during a toast and demonstrated how to give a proper toast.  Then she had everyone practice.
Rebecca, the hostess of our table, raised her glass and said, “I would like to give a toast to Stephanie Brown.  We don’t know why you’re here, but we know it’s important.”  We all laughed because it had quickly become the joke of the weekend.
Lately, I’ve been wanting to see all of these random pieces of my own story fit together so badly that I couldn’t help but feel that toast on a larger level.  I couldn’t help but think that I have no idea why I’m here; here, as in this place of my journey right now.  But I know it’s important…

When A Shower Cleanses More Than Normal

Oct23

I do some of my best thinking in the shower.  I don’t know if it’s because that’s one of the places in our house where you are truly by yourself or what but a good shower usually helps me think better.  Normally, I shower in the morning.  I don’t think that’s even pertinent to my story, but in case anyone ever asks you– I typically shower in the morning.  Last night, I’d had a really long day and I guess thought a good, hot shower would wash it all away.  I’m not sure, but I do know that as the hot water fell over my tense body– everything began to feel okay. 

I’m also known to sing in the shower.  Put that on your list of “Useless Things to Know About Stephanie” too.  You know, right under the one that says I normally shower in the morning.  This one’s slightly more pertinent though, because it was in my seemingly random singing that God calmed my spirit and steered my heart a little.  And wouldn’t you know it was another Laura Story song…

Blessings

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we’d have faith to believe

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not our home

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

I think God met me halfway on my prayer for a burning bush, because it was definitely hot in there but His move was quiet.  I’m really thankful, in the midst of what feels like utter and complete chaos in my world, that God continues to invade my space and remind me that He’s still bigger.  I’ve known that.  I have.  For years now even.  But in the midst of my Crisis of Belief, I needed Him to say it again.  And He did.  In a way that I heard Him…

The Questions that Wake Me Up

Oct21

Lately, I keep having this recurring dream where I’m standing in the middle of a giant, bright white room with black pieces of paper flying around me in a whirlwind.  On each paper, written in white chalk, are questions.  Here they are:

What if it doesn’t look like what everyone expects?

Did I hear God correctly?

Have I genuinely listened?

What happened to the girl who used to always smile like she had a secret?

What if I’m really bad at it?

 How can I call myself a believer but struggle with this much unbelief?

What if my heart can’t handle continuing to wait until he’s ready?

What if I’m really bad at it?

If I KNOW I’m right where I’m supposed to be, then why can’t I rest in that and just where is the peace that passes all understanding?

How did all that I know to be true get so jumbled?

Is something wrong with me to question this much?

Should I have said yes five years ago?

Am I enough?

Am I too much, overwhelming?

How am I supposed to know that I know if this is truly God’s best?

Have I bought into a really good looking lie?

If God often speaks in a whisper and I’m supposed to hush and listen for it, then is it wrong to pray for the burning bush instead?

I tend to wake up feeling incredibly overwhelmed, even though I know it’s just my heart being fleshed out before me.  While I also already know the answer to most every one of them, I’m longing for the day that I’m bold enough to say them out loud…

Crisis of Belief

Oct15
I packed my bags and drove to the middle of (what felt like) nowhere, then hung a right and drove another twenty minutes.  It was the closest thing to the “wilderness” that I could escape to.   I was in need of some answers.  Answers that I would be the one to verbalize, but that I needed the Lord to literally jot down in my journal, if He would.  I needed to know that I knew.  I was on a mission for clarity and discernment and in a lot of ways– I was on a deadline for an answer.
I threw myself into scripture.  Poured out every ounce of me and every question that had my heart so conflicted.  I laid everything out and then I got still.  I got still and I waited.  I knew God would move when He was ready and I knew that I did not want to miss it.  And then it happened.
I got the answer that I had been looking for.  It wasn’t an answer that I was particularly excited to get because I was certain I was giving up something I was sure I would later regret, but it was an answer and I could learn to be content.  Right?  Oh, I hoped so!  And then I got more than I bargained for.  Details of the plan began to be revealed.  Details that I had been praying about for literally fourteen years, almost daily.  A detail that was HUGE in my world!  A detail that would make it easier to be content with the previous “no” I had received.  He reminded me that He was in control and that I was going to love the ending to this story, but for now I needed to be okay with just the preview and I was excitedly honored.  Didn’t even see it coming, given what had happened just seven months prior.  In fact, I’d kinda written it all off.
Fast forward six or seven weeks to yesterday…
Sunday School with the kids was a blast!  We laughed hard as we helped each other make the final pieces to our Noah’s Ark mural.  I walked the fairgrounds in perfect weather, reminiscing past trips made with teenagers.  Now I’ve just topped the day off with an evening of Play-Doh, crayons, and a baby doll with my favorite kid.  We giggled, shared stories, and schemed future play plans.  It’s been a great day!
I’ve gone through my normal bedtime routine and now I’m laying in my bed.  A place that has always been a refuge for me, even when it hadn’t been in the same town that it is now.  Yet somehow, I feel very un-content.  I’m sweating but my room is cold.  I’ve flipped my pillow so often, there isn’t an obvious cooler side anymore.
I’m wanting to know why God would reveal details of the plan six or seven weeks ago, but still not let me see them come to fruition.  Did I hear Him wrong?  Did I even hear Him at all or did I just slap His name to my own dreams?  No, it was Him and I know it.  Well, if that’s true then why can’t I just be content in the waiting?  Because, what if I AM wrong?  What if I’ve wasted all this time and allowed my heart to be wrecked all over again? 
I’m playing mental gymnastics but in my own way– I’m in a wrestling match with God and I know it.  I know that if I discover I was wrong about this, I’m going to begin questioning everything else and that’s not a place I really want to be.  It’s starting to feel like a crisis of belief and I just want Him to show me what all of this is supposed to mean…

When It’s Harder Than It Looked

Aug31

Recently, my older sister moved out of the house and to another town because she had taken a new job.  Obviously, this means that the entire house needed to be rearranged or redecorated, right?  Tonight, I broke out the measuring tape and wondered if the original plan for setting up my “new” room (which ironically used to be my old room) was actually going to work.  I kept rearranging furniture and looking up dimensions.  It shouldn’t be this complicated.  I climbed the stepstool to tie bows in my curtains and either couldn’t reach as far as I’d hoped or they wouldn’t tie off as pretty this time around.  This is harder than it looked.

I climbed down the stool and got to thinking, as I folded clothes and turned down the covers on my bed to crawl under them—so is walking through this door that’s right in front of me.

I’m not nervous, that’s not it.  I’m not even scared, which is a little unusual for me.  Remember?  I don’t usually like things that I don’t already know I’m good at.  It’s just that, right now, it’s harder than it looked.  I didn’t think it was supposed to be this complicated. 

I took a deep breath and I could feel the tears begin to fill my eyes.  Crying isn’t usually what I do either.  I tend to mask my insecurities and hurt feelings with jokes and sly remarks.  I’m the one at the funeral home who has everyone else feeling bad for laughing.  This time though—is different.  This time—as much as I preach “guard your heart”—it feels like that’s what this whole thing is costing me.  This time—I’m losing sleep.  This time– I’m confident that this is the door; I’m not even questioning it.  (Also a big deal for me!)  I’m actually really excited about it all!  I even got excited about sharing it all with key team players, some of which haven’t even shown up yet.  The problem is: it’s not time to open that door just yet and waiting for it is harder than it looked.   

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

Jul5

Tonight, I went to get ready for bed just like I always do.  It was a typical evening routine: clear the bed of all the clothes I opted out of wearing this morning, turn down the covers, throw my journal and pen on the bed, grab my pajamas and head for the shower.  The path from my room to the shower is short, but it still means having to pass two mirrors.  I walk past these mirrors countless times on any given day.  The one in the hall has been where we’ve all made sure our look for the day was a good one.  I’ve stood in front of it many times to put on make-up while someone else was in the shower.  It hangs over a glass cabinet and the set was given to me by my grandmother.  I have always loved this mirror!  The one in the bathroom has had numerous notes scribbled and pictures drawn in dry erase marker.  I’ve played at the sink with kids while grinning at ourselves and making faces at our reflections.  I fix my hair in front of that mirror every morning; I enjoy my morning routine about as much as I do my evening one.  For some reason, tonight was different; they both stopped me dead in my tracks.

You know those moments when you really don’t want to cry, but you’re not really sure what else to do?  Normally, I’m pretty good at pushing back those emotions (though I’m not sure that’s a good thing).  Tonight, I couldn’t help myself; I just stood there and cried.  My heart’s in an incredibly bizarre place right now, struggling with emotions that I don’t think I could define if I tried.  The tears streaming down my face were just an outward expression of my inward struggle.  To top it off, I was looking a mess!  My skin was red and greasy from sunscreen.  My hair, while pulled up, was still frizzy from the Eastern North Carolina humidity.  You would have thought I had just left the pool or come off the beach.  If you’ve ever been with me to either of those— you now have mental picture of just how rough I was looking.  When you’re emotions are all over the place, you’re feeling rough, the last thing you need is to glance in the mirror and discover that you’re looking the part too. 

I had just come in from hanging out with a really good friend of mine.  We had been talking about all the people we know who have either just gotten engaged or married and how we should be stoked for them, but that, instead, it brings about this whole realm of “when is it going to be my turn” questions, as well as “if someone asks me that one more time” frustrations.  She had just heard me say that I’m the girl guys are friends with, not the girl guys date.  And now, standing in front of a mirror I’ve usually loved, I knew I was staring at a girl who isn’t convinced she deserves to be loved at all. 

Now, I know that the mess I was standing in tonight is just a result of lies from the Enemy.  I do– I know it in my heart!  However, I’m not going to pretend that just because I know that means I wasn’t struggling in unbelievably distinctive ways tonight.  Because tonight, I guess my head had the upper-hand. 

So what do you do?  Well, if you’re me, you take your shower then go into your room and blast Bethany Dillon’s “Beautiful”…

 

“You are altogether beautiful, my darling, beautiful in every way.”   (Song of Solomon 4:7)

I Give Up

Jun6

I have a pretty competitive spirit.  I like to have the last word in a debate.  I know that I can’t always win, but I haven’t quite mastered losing very well.  I tend to think my team if the best and can smack-talk with the best of them, when necessary.  I don’t give up easily, especially if I think there’s a slight chance of still being able to win if I play my cards right.     

Today, a friend of mine got really honest with me (I love that I can count on that from her) and as I sat there listening to her– I knew God was using her to ask me if I’d really given Him this one thing that I keep wrestling with… on essentially a daily basis.  My quick response to her was, “I did that back in January.” 

Those six words haunted me the rest of the day.  If I had genuinely given it to God, I wouldn’t feel caught in this mental gymnastics routine.  I may have said the words, “I can’t do this anymore, I give it to You” but if we’re honest—I may not be demonstrating that very well.  Which is why, I’m convinced, it continues to be so hard; Satan’s not going to fight us for something he knows he can’t have. 

So tonight, the Lord and I had it out.  I know that some of you are wondering what on earth would possess me to think that it’s acceptable to do that.  If I’ve learned nothing else in my 20 year relationship with the Lord, I’ve learned that it’s okay.  I told Him how I just needed discernment and peace.  He reminded me that peace only comes in situations that are surrendered to Him and that surrender means laying down your arms and that I hadn’t exactly done that yet.  At the end of our “discussion”, if you will, I uttered the phrase that I can’t stand to say: I give up. 

Pray that I stay true to that…

 

“Let me hear of Your unfailing love each morning, for I am trusting You. Show me where You walk, for I give myself to You.”  Psalm 143:8