Tag Archive | broken hearts

When Grace Sneaks In With A Face

Nov9
I hadn’t given it much thought until I got asked about it last night.  How had I previously written it off and not considered it?  Could I get beyond it if it turned out to be true?  And why on Earth was I dignifying any of it with this kind of physical response?  It doesn’t even matter, right?  Right?!?  I kept waking up all night feeling literally sick to my stomach as confusion and disappointment from the Enemy continued to close in on me.
 
Even as I sat at my desk today, my mind kept wandering as I thought about how much consideration this whole ordeal should even get from me.  Is that something you can just come right out and ask?  Does it matter?  Would it change things?  It’s not something you’d just bring up in casual conversation, right?  Right?!?  Or can you?!?
 
And then she snuck into my office, all smiles and glowing.  She who travels in humility and patience and joy.  We shared in celebration that, not only was it Friday, but it was a three day weekend too!  As crazy as this week had been, we weren’t sure it would get here.  And then she did it.  She spoke Truth with a ton of Grace and reminded me that when God said He could make all things new, He meant ALL things.  She was able to remind me that He is not the Author of confusion and fear.  And she encouraged me to take heart because it’s coming.  It won’t be my definition of “soon”; that’s been obvious in how slow it’s all been moving up until now.
 
So while my Newsfeed is blowing up with what people are thankful for on this ninth day of November, I am so thankful that sometimes Grace sneaks in with a face…

Crunchy Leaves and Hard Tears

Oct17
Like a kid in a candy store I was when I walked down that old, familiar driveway and saw all the crisp looking leaves resting beneath a tree that looked like the Lord had splatter painted it with orange, red, and yellow.  They will surely think I’m crazy when they come home and find me in their yard, but this tree was like a gift from the Lord and I was determined to sit beneath it and just get still.
 
The air was about as crisp as each leaf I stepped on to get to that well-aged trunk with the perfect place to lean in close and just be.  Decked out in denim capri pants, flip flops, and an Atlantic Beach hoodie (I was an Eastern NC girl in a Western NC world) I was ready to nestle myself in a pile God’s confetti and hang out there with my Bible and journal until all seemed right in the world again.  Because on that day, nothing seemed right.
 
I got comfortable and just sat there, feeling almost numb to the world. I should have been cold, but I couldn’t feel a thing.  Until the tears started to roll.  It felt like my world had come to an end.  In a small town, on a small campus, where most everyone was famous for something, I felt very small.  Very unknown.  I began to cry harder and could taste the bitterness of make-up hit the corners of my mouth.  My heart, what was left of it, literally ached.  In fact, my entire body was feeling it.  I was feeling pretty stupid for falling so hard that fast.  Then I was mad at myself for letting myself feel stupid.  Then mad at myself for being mad at myself.  
 
Out of the corner of smudged glasses, I saw their light blue Buick pull down the hill of their driveway.  She walked up to me slowly, seeing that I was clearly a wreck.  She convinced me to move inside for hot chocolate and a fleece blanket, my toes were blue!  I told her the whole story, getting worked up all over again.  Eventually I found my way back out the door, incredibly thankful that neither one of them thought I was crazy.
 
All on top of having a pretty broken heart.  I made a promise to myself that afternoon that I would never find myself in a position where there was potential to feel like this again.  I would guard it and guard it well.  And I have.  Almost too well, sometimes.
 
Until now…

Happily Ever After or Until Death Do You Part (Whichever One Comes First)

Jun5

About five years ago, a friend of mine stood before God, family, and friends and made a vow with the boy she loved “to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.”  They were the epitome of a fairytale love story.  If ever there was a couple that everyone knew would go the distance—it was those two.

Never in a million years would she have ever believed that we would one day be discussing the ways she’s now struggling with how on earth she’s supposed to move on after the loss of her husband.  She lost him to war efforts about two years ago; a freak accident during a training exercise.  They have two children together and she’s in her early thirties.

She talked about all the people who want to set her up with someone.  She talked about the really good guy-friend she has, who would date her (probably even marry her) in a heartbeat.  Excitement filled her voice as she told story after story with how he is with the kids.  I asked her why she didn’t just go for it; since she’s pretty sure she’s falling for him too.  She shared that it’s not like she’s not ready to move on, it’s “just that there are so many factors in how to handle what all of this should look like”.

I listened curiously as she talked about: the complications of how to date when you have kids, the feeling of guilt she has when she considers dating someone who isn’t her late husband, the fear of allowing herself to get involved with someone that may not last and having a whole new kind of pain to get through, getting past all of the opinions of whether or not it’s “too soon” to move on, all the hesitation she has of bringing a boy who has never been married before into such a tangled web, and dealing with the obstacle of “they aren’t my in-laws anymore but they’re still my kids’ family.  I don’t even know what to call them anymore.  He’s not my father-in-law anymore, but what is he?”  I listened so intently and was with her every word of the conversation until she took a deep breath and said, “What do you think?”

I hate that question!  It’s not that I didn’t have a thought or opinion.  Let’s be honest, I almost always have a thought or opinion about something.  I was just struggling with how to offer anything to my friend when I’ve never been married before, so I’ve certainly never lost my spouse before.  I cannot even begin to comprehend how she’s feeling these days, and I undoubtedly didn’t want to pretend like I do.  So, I tried to share what I do know:

It’s okay to be nervous!  It’s not a mistake that this “good friend” is here now.  This guy hasn’t been married before, so what?  The fact that you have and that you have kids from a previous marriage clearly doesn’t scare him, or he wouldn’t keep hanging around.  Maybe he understands that “until death do you part” means just that.  God is not going to bring someone new into your world without having prepared them for all that your world brings.  Whether or not it’s “too soon” is up to you.  I would start the moving on by taking off the wedding ring, girl.  You aren’t married anymore.  I have no idea what you call your former in-laws.  Maybe “my kids’ grandparents”.  How do you date when you have kids?  I have no idea!  I struggle with the dating questions sans children, but I know it doesn’t bother him that you have kids or he wouldn’t be so smitten with them now.  He would go running in the other direction.  My advice is to breathe and be thankful that God has brought this guy your direction.  You don’t want to miss out on what He’s doing because you’re what if-ing yourself to death.  God was not at all flabbergasted by what we all considered to be a freak accident.  He knew it was coming before it happened.  He wasn’t caught off-guard then and He isn’t shocked today with all of your questions. 

I have no idea why on earth I’m the friend she brought all of this up with, because I clearly am not an expert in this area.  I don’t even consider myself to have reached rookie level, really.  I also did not want to seem insensitive with what I offered as suggestions.  Do you know what I thought about as I moved on after our conversation?  I thought: may the walls collapse.  I was just in on two people being incredibly honest with each other about their worlds, hearts, and thoughts on each other.

You really have to be careful what you pray for…