Tag Archive | marriage

My-Size Fairy Tale

Aug2

Call me crazy, but I really enjoy shopping!  Now I know that some of you have a mental picture of a car loaded down with bags and a wallet with nothing left but maxed out credit cards.  Nah, that’s not my style.  I much more prefer the one skirt that I can dress up or down, or mix and match it with what I already own to create several new looks.  I find great pleasure in walking around a department store just to discover the latest trends, then figuring out a way to re-create something similar but more modest.  It’s more than just clothes and fashion that I do this with too.  I like picking up an aqua picture frame and knowing that it could have been so much more, then figuring out how to add a little pizzazz to it.

I also find great delight in shopping for someone else.  I like knowing that I have picked something that they’ll enjoy, because I got to know them.  Right on down to the gift bag or wrapping paper.  I recently learned that my efforts aren’t in vain with that either, when I put Dove’s Dark Chocolate in a pink and orange gift bag and my friend replied “you know me so well”.

As much as I typically enjoy the entire shopping experience, you let me find something that claims “one size fits all” and you might as well had popped my birthday balloons, because that’s a sad moment.  One size does not fit all!  I mean, that claim is just outrageous.  It’s more than just clothes that don’t fit “all”.  I could have wrapped that same gift in a black and red bag, and I can promise you that my friend would not have been smiling and saying “You know me so well!”  Look around—we aren’t all the same; it won’t fit “all”.  So, what is it that makes us think relationships are all going to look the same?

Recently, I found myself beginning to struggle in ways that I never have before.  I was beginning to experience emotions that I still can’t even explain.  God was beginning to reveal things to me that have me excited and honored, but honestly a little freaked out all at once.  I wasn’t sure what to do with all of that and was honestly feeling rather emotionally sucker punched.  Many people tried to tell me what to do with all of that and were quick to share their own stories.  (Don’t get me wrong—that played a big role in my ability to figure it all out.)  It was what one friend texted me a couple hours after she heard me out that did the trick though:

Your talk about your fairy tale just made me think how they are all so different but with equally happy endings….Cinderella had wicked step sisters, Belle had to kiss a beast, Rapunzal was kidnapped.  You get the picture.

I read that and thought, You’re right.  One size does not fit all!  I cannot expect it to look a certain way.  God has already lovingly authored the story.  My job is to just remember to go patiently in the direction that the path leads and enjoy the ride along the way.  While there may be villains or scoundrels that I didn’t expect or pasts that I didn’t see coming or roadblocks to overcome along the way—happily ever after does await and it will come when it’s time for that part of the story.  It will not be one-size fits all, but it will absolutely be a my-size fairy tale.

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Happily Ever After or Until Death Do You Part (Whichever One Comes First)

Jun5

About five years ago, a friend of mine stood before God, family, and friends and made a vow with the boy she loved “to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.”  They were the epitome of a fairytale love story.  If ever there was a couple that everyone knew would go the distance—it was those two.

Never in a million years would she have ever believed that we would one day be discussing the ways she’s now struggling with how on earth she’s supposed to move on after the loss of her husband.  She lost him to war efforts about two years ago; a freak accident during a training exercise.  They have two children together and she’s in her early thirties.

She talked about all the people who want to set her up with someone.  She talked about the really good guy-friend she has, who would date her (probably even marry her) in a heartbeat.  Excitement filled her voice as she told story after story with how he is with the kids.  I asked her why she didn’t just go for it; since she’s pretty sure she’s falling for him too.  She shared that it’s not like she’s not ready to move on, it’s “just that there are so many factors in how to handle what all of this should look like”.

I listened curiously as she talked about: the complications of how to date when you have kids, the feeling of guilt she has when she considers dating someone who isn’t her late husband, the fear of allowing herself to get involved with someone that may not last and having a whole new kind of pain to get through, getting past all of the opinions of whether or not it’s “too soon” to move on, all the hesitation she has of bringing a boy who has never been married before into such a tangled web, and dealing with the obstacle of “they aren’t my in-laws anymore but they’re still my kids’ family.  I don’t even know what to call them anymore.  He’s not my father-in-law anymore, but what is he?”  I listened so intently and was with her every word of the conversation until she took a deep breath and said, “What do you think?”

I hate that question!  It’s not that I didn’t have a thought or opinion.  Let’s be honest, I almost always have a thought or opinion about something.  I was just struggling with how to offer anything to my friend when I’ve never been married before, so I’ve certainly never lost my spouse before.  I cannot even begin to comprehend how she’s feeling these days, and I undoubtedly didn’t want to pretend like I do.  So, I tried to share what I do know:

It’s okay to be nervous!  It’s not a mistake that this “good friend” is here now.  This guy hasn’t been married before, so what?  The fact that you have and that you have kids from a previous marriage clearly doesn’t scare him, or he wouldn’t keep hanging around.  Maybe he understands that “until death do you part” means just that.  God is not going to bring someone new into your world without having prepared them for all that your world brings.  Whether or not it’s “too soon” is up to you.  I would start the moving on by taking off the wedding ring, girl.  You aren’t married anymore.  I have no idea what you call your former in-laws.  Maybe “my kids’ grandparents”.  How do you date when you have kids?  I have no idea!  I struggle with the dating questions sans children, but I know it doesn’t bother him that you have kids or he wouldn’t be so smitten with them now.  He would go running in the other direction.  My advice is to breathe and be thankful that God has brought this guy your direction.  You don’t want to miss out on what He’s doing because you’re what if-ing yourself to death.  God was not at all flabbergasted by what we all considered to be a freak accident.  He knew it was coming before it happened.  He wasn’t caught off-guard then and He isn’t shocked today with all of your questions. 

I have no idea why on earth I’m the friend she brought all of this up with, because I clearly am not an expert in this area.  I don’t even consider myself to have reached rookie level, really.  I also did not want to seem insensitive with what I offered as suggestions.  Do you know what I thought about as I moved on after our conversation?  I thought: may the walls collapse.  I was just in on two people being incredibly honest with each other about their worlds, hearts, and thoughts on each other.

You really have to be careful what you pray for…