Tag Archive | surrender

The Questions that Wake Me Up

Oct21

Lately, I keep having this recurring dream where I’m standing in the middle of a giant, bright white room with black pieces of paper flying around me in a whirlwind.  On each paper, written in white chalk, are questions.  Here they are:

What if it doesn’t look like what everyone expects?

Did I hear God correctly?

Have I genuinely listened?

What happened to the girl who used to always smile like she had a secret?

What if I’m really bad at it?

 How can I call myself a believer but struggle with this much unbelief?

What if my heart can’t handle continuing to wait until he’s ready?

What if I’m really bad at it?

If I KNOW I’m right where I’m supposed to be, then why can’t I rest in that and just where is the peace that passes all understanding?

How did all that I know to be true get so jumbled?

Is something wrong with me to question this much?

Should I have said yes five years ago?

Am I enough?

Am I too much, overwhelming?

How am I supposed to know that I know if this is truly God’s best?

Have I bought into a really good looking lie?

If God often speaks in a whisper and I’m supposed to hush and listen for it, then is it wrong to pray for the burning bush instead?

I tend to wake up feeling incredibly overwhelmed, even though I know it’s just my heart being fleshed out before me.  While I also already know the answer to most every one of them, I’m longing for the day that I’m bold enough to say them out loud…

I Give Up

Jun6

I have a pretty competitive spirit.  I like to have the last word in a debate.  I know that I can’t always win, but I haven’t quite mastered losing very well.  I tend to think my team if the best and can smack-talk with the best of them, when necessary.  I don’t give up easily, especially if I think there’s a slight chance of still being able to win if I play my cards right.     

Today, a friend of mine got really honest with me (I love that I can count on that from her) and as I sat there listening to her– I knew God was using her to ask me if I’d really given Him this one thing that I keep wrestling with… on essentially a daily basis.  My quick response to her was, “I did that back in January.” 

Those six words haunted me the rest of the day.  If I had genuinely given it to God, I wouldn’t feel caught in this mental gymnastics routine.  I may have said the words, “I can’t do this anymore, I give it to You” but if we’re honest—I may not be demonstrating that very well.  Which is why, I’m convinced, it continues to be so hard; Satan’s not going to fight us for something he knows he can’t have. 

So tonight, the Lord and I had it out.  I know that some of you are wondering what on earth would possess me to think that it’s acceptable to do that.  If I’ve learned nothing else in my 20 year relationship with the Lord, I’ve learned that it’s okay.  I told Him how I just needed discernment and peace.  He reminded me that peace only comes in situations that are surrendered to Him and that surrender means laying down your arms and that I hadn’t exactly done that yet.  At the end of our “discussion”, if you will, I uttered the phrase that I can’t stand to say: I give up. 

Pray that I stay true to that…

 

“Let me hear of Your unfailing love each morning, for I am trusting You. Show me where You walk, for I give myself to You.”  Psalm 143:8