Tag Archive | right direction

New!

Sep6

“Mimi!  Look!  I have a Sophia the First book bag and lunch box and thermos.  I get to TAKE my lunch to Kindergarten.”

“You do?”

“Uh huh.  And Anna and Elsa folders.”

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I watch as she pulls out each new thing we’ve just bought for Kindergarten, excited and sharing what’s new.  She can hardly stand the excitement as she moves towards her new start.

 

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 “And this will be the girls bathroom and down this hall will be my room.”

 

She breathes deep and her eyes light up with each new thought and I know that look.  I had it not long ago myself when the husband and I walked through what would soon by our new home.  And while that decision did not come without our own version of pain, I know the healing that comes from moving into a new place for a new start.

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I slide behind the wheel and I thank God for moments of “new” and He takes that moment to remind me that He makes ALL things new.  And I’m humbled by all of the new that He’s giving us and pray that our excitement to tell of His great, life-giving, new creation kind of love will grow.  That we will be more excited to run and tell someone about that than we are about our new car, new shoes, new book bag…. new whatever.

May we never tire of telling our story of being a new creation in Christ…

 

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I’ll Drink To That

Oct29
Evening gowns and high heel shoes.  Black ties and shined shoes.  Multiple place settings and dimmed lights.  Flower shaped butter and sweet tea in champagne glasses.  “Let’s Do Dinner” the program read as we took our seats for the evening’s Plated Banquet.
Our presenter walked us through all of the proper etiquette techniques while having both Business Meeting Luncheons and Professional Ballroom Dining experiences.  She talked about how to know which fork to use and that when you cut your meat, cut away from yourself.  She showed us how, the way you leave your napkin when leaving the table, sends a message to your server as to whether or not you’ll be back.  (I’ll admit, it was quite entertaining seeing one guy take his with him and then watching the waiter silently freak out when the table wasn’t uniformed.)  The guest of honor is seated to the right of the host and the next most important guest is on their left.  She spoke of who drinks when during a toast and demonstrated how to give a proper toast.  Then she had everyone practice.
Rebecca, the hostess of our table, raised her glass and said, “I would like to give a toast to Stephanie Brown.  We don’t know why you’re here, but we know it’s important.”  We all laughed because it had quickly become the joke of the weekend.
Lately, I’ve been wanting to see all of these random pieces of my own story fit together so badly that I couldn’t help but feel that toast on a larger level.  I couldn’t help but think that I have no idea why I’m here; here, as in this place of my journey right now.  But I know it’s important…

When A Shower Cleanses More Than Normal

Oct23

I do some of my best thinking in the shower.  I don’t know if it’s because that’s one of the places in our house where you are truly by yourself or what but a good shower usually helps me think better.  Normally, I shower in the morning.  I don’t think that’s even pertinent to my story, but in case anyone ever asks you– I typically shower in the morning.  Last night, I’d had a really long day and I guess thought a good, hot shower would wash it all away.  I’m not sure, but I do know that as the hot water fell over my tense body– everything began to feel okay. 

I’m also known to sing in the shower.  Put that on your list of “Useless Things to Know About Stephanie” too.  You know, right under the one that says I normally shower in the morning.  This one’s slightly more pertinent though, because it was in my seemingly random singing that God calmed my spirit and steered my heart a little.  And wouldn’t you know it was another Laura Story song…

Blessings

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we’d have faith to believe

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not our home

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

I think God met me halfway on my prayer for a burning bush, because it was definitely hot in there but His move was quiet.  I’m really thankful, in the midst of what feels like utter and complete chaos in my world, that God continues to invade my space and remind me that He’s still bigger.  I’ve known that.  I have.  For years now even.  But in the midst of my Crisis of Belief, I needed Him to say it again.  And He did.  In a way that I heard Him…

Crisis of Belief

Oct15
I packed my bags and drove to the middle of (what felt like) nowhere, then hung a right and drove another twenty minutes.  It was the closest thing to the “wilderness” that I could escape to.   I was in need of some answers.  Answers that I would be the one to verbalize, but that I needed the Lord to literally jot down in my journal, if He would.  I needed to know that I knew.  I was on a mission for clarity and discernment and in a lot of ways– I was on a deadline for an answer.
I threw myself into scripture.  Poured out every ounce of me and every question that had my heart so conflicted.  I laid everything out and then I got still.  I got still and I waited.  I knew God would move when He was ready and I knew that I did not want to miss it.  And then it happened.
I got the answer that I had been looking for.  It wasn’t an answer that I was particularly excited to get because I was certain I was giving up something I was sure I would later regret, but it was an answer and I could learn to be content.  Right?  Oh, I hoped so!  And then I got more than I bargained for.  Details of the plan began to be revealed.  Details that I had been praying about for literally fourteen years, almost daily.  A detail that was HUGE in my world!  A detail that would make it easier to be content with the previous “no” I had received.  He reminded me that He was in control and that I was going to love the ending to this story, but for now I needed to be okay with just the preview and I was excitedly honored.  Didn’t even see it coming, given what had happened just seven months prior.  In fact, I’d kinda written it all off.
Fast forward six or seven weeks to yesterday…
Sunday School with the kids was a blast!  We laughed hard as we helped each other make the final pieces to our Noah’s Ark mural.  I walked the fairgrounds in perfect weather, reminiscing past trips made with teenagers.  Now I’ve just topped the day off with an evening of Play-Doh, crayons, and a baby doll with my favorite kid.  We giggled, shared stories, and schemed future play plans.  It’s been a great day!
I’ve gone through my normal bedtime routine and now I’m laying in my bed.  A place that has always been a refuge for me, even when it hadn’t been in the same town that it is now.  Yet somehow, I feel very un-content.  I’m sweating but my room is cold.  I’ve flipped my pillow so often, there isn’t an obvious cooler side anymore.
I’m wanting to know why God would reveal details of the plan six or seven weeks ago, but still not let me see them come to fruition.  Did I hear Him wrong?  Did I even hear Him at all or did I just slap His name to my own dreams?  No, it was Him and I know it.  Well, if that’s true then why can’t I just be content in the waiting?  Because, what if I AM wrong?  What if I’ve wasted all this time and allowed my heart to be wrecked all over again? 
I’m playing mental gymnastics but in my own way– I’m in a wrestling match with God and I know it.  I know that if I discover I was wrong about this, I’m going to begin questioning everything else and that’s not a place I really want to be.  It’s starting to feel like a crisis of belief and I just want Him to show me what all of this is supposed to mean…

A Boy Called Rusty

Oct9
I used to curl up in the living room in front of our television with the rest of the family for The Closer every Monday night.  Mainly because of the fact that the main character was Chief Brenda Lee Johnson, played by Kyra Sedgwick.  I have a high respect for the lady who would not only close most every single case but win and allowed chocolate to be her side kick.  As the TNT series was coming to an end, we were introduced to a boy called Rusty.
Rusty is a teenage boy who was found in downtown Los Angeles by the Major Crimes division of the LAPD when it was determined he was the key witness to a murder.  By the series finale, Rusty was needing to be kept in protective custody.  Therefore, he went home to stay with Captain Sharon Rayder.  Cue the opening music to the spin-off show Major Crimes.  That tradition of settling in and turning the tv to TNT has continued with Major Crimes.  For the most part the cast is the same, but Rusty’s story is now the common thread that ties each week together.  Rusty is the reason that I tune in!
Over the past couple of weeks, we have learned that Rusty was abandoned by his mom when she left him for her boyfriend.  The same boyfriend who used to pound Rusty’s face until the day that Rusty beat the crap out of him.  The very next day is when mom and said boyfriend took him to the zoo and never came back for him.  My blood is boiling even while I type this!  I cannot fathom a mom choosing her abusive boyfriend over her son.  Since the night we learned Rusty’s mom wasn’t coming back, Captain Rayder has had folks on the search for Rusty’s dad (whom Rusty had never met).  Last night, after only two episodes of Rusty’s dad being in the picture, Sharon came home to find Rusty with black eyes and a busted lip.  When she asked him what happened, we learned his dad had done this to him.  WHAT IN THE WORLD?!?!  Again, I cannot fathom what it must feel like to be Rusty.
There I sat, curled up on the opposite end of the couch of my own dad.  My dad who has been the spiritual leader of our house my entire life, Jesus in the flesh.  My dad who loves my mom and all three of us crazy girls.  My dad who has empowered me to think for myself and supported my decisions, even the ones he did not necessarily understand at the time.  How is it fair that I hit the jackpot when it comes to dads and there are kids like Rusty all over the place?  I come home to sober parents, who have created a safe home for, not just the three girls born to them but, all of our friends too.  It’s not unusual to walk in and find our friends visiting with our parents when we weren’t even there, but there are other kids who have never heard the words “I love you” or “I’m proud of you” come from their parents’ mouths.  That’s not okay with me!
I know God is stirring up something in my heart, something that’s going to allow me to stand in the gaps for kids like Rusty.  I’m not gonna lie, it freaks me out a little because I know it’s probably not going to make sense to a lot of people.  It’s not going to allow me to be safe and I like to feel safe.  Like, a LOT.  Parts of it are a little scary and I can’t stand to be scared.  I love Christmas, not Halloween.
The thing is though, I’m also being reminded that the heart of God is not always a safe place to be.  In fact, it’s usually pretty unsafe.  If I want to go with God, I have to be willing to build an ark and ride it for forty days and forty nights with snakes, spiders, and mosquitoes.  If I want to go with God, I have to be willing to lay my son on the altar knowing God will provide the ram.  It’s not all adding up to me, but faith usually doesn’t…
Right?
RIGHT?!?

While I’m Waiting

Jun6

I don’t tend to wait very well.  If there’s a group of us going somewhere, I tend to be the one that’s annoyed by the time everyone else is ready to go.  While it doesn’t always work out– I prefer to be a little early to where I’m going, not late or even right on time.  If I’m waiting in traffic, I tend to start asking the car in front of me what they’re waiting on to go.  I can be found playing on my phone when I’m waiting on someone to meet me or even just standing in line for something.  Unfortunately, that tends to spill over in other areas of my life too.

For example, I tend to want to hurry up the learning process.  Sometimes I just want to take people, pick them up from where they are and put them where I think they should be.  On occasion, it’s that I want to pick them up from something bad that they’re involved in and just set them down in a much better place.  You know, because I actually know what’s best for them.  (Please note the sarcasm here.  I clearly have no idea what’s best for someone else.)  Other times, I literally just want to speed up what they’re going through.  I can tell they’re headed in the right direction; I just want them to hurry up and get there.  Particularly if it involves me.  Okay, especially if it involves me.

Don’t worry—my impatience is equal opportunity– I have that same notion for myself.  I would rather just know the lesson, and totally bypass learning it.  If only I was Mary Poppins– I could just snap my fingers and be done with it; whatever “it” is.  Sometimes, God makes something so clear to me and then I let the opinions of others cloud the way.  I wish I could just snap my fingers and all of the pieces would fall into place.

I’m learning that, the right thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing.  I’m also seeing all the ways that the Lord can do more in my waiting than I can do in my doing.  I need to be more patient with others, more patient with myself, and more patient with the Lord in what He’s doing.  I’m not clearly there yet.  I want to be.  I hope I get there soon, ha!