Tag Archive | searching

New!

Sep6

“Mimi!  Look!  I have a Sophia the First book bag and lunch box and thermos.  I get to TAKE my lunch to Kindergarten.”

“You do?”

“Uh huh.  And Anna and Elsa folders.”

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I watch as she pulls out each new thing we’ve just bought for Kindergarten, excited and sharing what’s new.  She can hardly stand the excitement as she moves towards her new start.

 

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 “And this will be the girls bathroom and down this hall will be my room.”

 

She breathes deep and her eyes light up with each new thought and I know that look.  I had it not long ago myself when the husband and I walked through what would soon by our new home.  And while that decision did not come without our own version of pain, I know the healing that comes from moving into a new place for a new start.

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I slide behind the wheel and I thank God for moments of “new” and He takes that moment to remind me that He makes ALL things new.  And I’m humbled by all of the new that He’s giving us and pray that our excitement to tell of His great, life-giving, new creation kind of love will grow.  That we will be more excited to run and tell someone about that than we are about our new car, new shoes, new book bag…. new whatever.

May we never tire of telling our story of being a new creation in Christ…

 

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When A Shower Cleanses More Than Normal

Oct23

I do some of my best thinking in the shower.  I don’t know if it’s because that’s one of the places in our house where you are truly by yourself or what but a good shower usually helps me think better.  Normally, I shower in the morning.  I don’t think that’s even pertinent to my story, but in case anyone ever asks you– I typically shower in the morning.  Last night, I’d had a really long day and I guess thought a good, hot shower would wash it all away.  I’m not sure, but I do know that as the hot water fell over my tense body– everything began to feel okay. 

I’m also known to sing in the shower.  Put that on your list of “Useless Things to Know About Stephanie” too.  You know, right under the one that says I normally shower in the morning.  This one’s slightly more pertinent though, because it was in my seemingly random singing that God calmed my spirit and steered my heart a little.  And wouldn’t you know it was another Laura Story song…

Blessings

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we’d have faith to believe

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not our home

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

I think God met me halfway on my prayer for a burning bush, because it was definitely hot in there but His move was quiet.  I’m really thankful, in the midst of what feels like utter and complete chaos in my world, that God continues to invade my space and remind me that He’s still bigger.  I’ve known that.  I have.  For years now even.  But in the midst of my Crisis of Belief, I needed Him to say it again.  And He did.  In a way that I heard Him…

The Questions that Wake Me Up

Oct21

Lately, I keep having this recurring dream where I’m standing in the middle of a giant, bright white room with black pieces of paper flying around me in a whirlwind.  On each paper, written in white chalk, are questions.  Here they are:

What if it doesn’t look like what everyone expects?

Did I hear God correctly?

Have I genuinely listened?

What happened to the girl who used to always smile like she had a secret?

What if I’m really bad at it?

 How can I call myself a believer but struggle with this much unbelief?

What if my heart can’t handle continuing to wait until he’s ready?

What if I’m really bad at it?

If I KNOW I’m right where I’m supposed to be, then why can’t I rest in that and just where is the peace that passes all understanding?

How did all that I know to be true get so jumbled?

Is something wrong with me to question this much?

Should I have said yes five years ago?

Am I enough?

Am I too much, overwhelming?

How am I supposed to know that I know if this is truly God’s best?

Have I bought into a really good looking lie?

If God often speaks in a whisper and I’m supposed to hush and listen for it, then is it wrong to pray for the burning bush instead?

I tend to wake up feeling incredibly overwhelmed, even though I know it’s just my heart being fleshed out before me.  While I also already know the answer to most every one of them, I’m longing for the day that I’m bold enough to say them out loud…

Crisis of Belief

Oct15
I packed my bags and drove to the middle of (what felt like) nowhere, then hung a right and drove another twenty minutes.  It was the closest thing to the “wilderness” that I could escape to.   I was in need of some answers.  Answers that I would be the one to verbalize, but that I needed the Lord to literally jot down in my journal, if He would.  I needed to know that I knew.  I was on a mission for clarity and discernment and in a lot of ways– I was on a deadline for an answer.
I threw myself into scripture.  Poured out every ounce of me and every question that had my heart so conflicted.  I laid everything out and then I got still.  I got still and I waited.  I knew God would move when He was ready and I knew that I did not want to miss it.  And then it happened.
I got the answer that I had been looking for.  It wasn’t an answer that I was particularly excited to get because I was certain I was giving up something I was sure I would later regret, but it was an answer and I could learn to be content.  Right?  Oh, I hoped so!  And then I got more than I bargained for.  Details of the plan began to be revealed.  Details that I had been praying about for literally fourteen years, almost daily.  A detail that was HUGE in my world!  A detail that would make it easier to be content with the previous “no” I had received.  He reminded me that He was in control and that I was going to love the ending to this story, but for now I needed to be okay with just the preview and I was excitedly honored.  Didn’t even see it coming, given what had happened just seven months prior.  In fact, I’d kinda written it all off.
Fast forward six or seven weeks to yesterday…
Sunday School with the kids was a blast!  We laughed hard as we helped each other make the final pieces to our Noah’s Ark mural.  I walked the fairgrounds in perfect weather, reminiscing past trips made with teenagers.  Now I’ve just topped the day off with an evening of Play-Doh, crayons, and a baby doll with my favorite kid.  We giggled, shared stories, and schemed future play plans.  It’s been a great day!
I’ve gone through my normal bedtime routine and now I’m laying in my bed.  A place that has always been a refuge for me, even when it hadn’t been in the same town that it is now.  Yet somehow, I feel very un-content.  I’m sweating but my room is cold.  I’ve flipped my pillow so often, there isn’t an obvious cooler side anymore.
I’m wanting to know why God would reveal details of the plan six or seven weeks ago, but still not let me see them come to fruition.  Did I hear Him wrong?  Did I even hear Him at all or did I just slap His name to my own dreams?  No, it was Him and I know it.  Well, if that’s true then why can’t I just be content in the waiting?  Because, what if I AM wrong?  What if I’ve wasted all this time and allowed my heart to be wrecked all over again? 
I’m playing mental gymnastics but in my own way– I’m in a wrestling match with God and I know it.  I know that if I discover I was wrong about this, I’m going to begin questioning everything else and that’s not a place I really want to be.  It’s starting to feel like a crisis of belief and I just want Him to show me what all of this is supposed to mean…

When It’s Harder Than It Looked

Aug31

Recently, my older sister moved out of the house and to another town because she had taken a new job.  Obviously, this means that the entire house needed to be rearranged or redecorated, right?  Tonight, I broke out the measuring tape and wondered if the original plan for setting up my “new” room (which ironically used to be my old room) was actually going to work.  I kept rearranging furniture and looking up dimensions.  It shouldn’t be this complicated.  I climbed the stepstool to tie bows in my curtains and either couldn’t reach as far as I’d hoped or they wouldn’t tie off as pretty this time around.  This is harder than it looked.

I climbed down the stool and got to thinking, as I folded clothes and turned down the covers on my bed to crawl under them—so is walking through this door that’s right in front of me.

I’m not nervous, that’s not it.  I’m not even scared, which is a little unusual for me.  Remember?  I don’t usually like things that I don’t already know I’m good at.  It’s just that, right now, it’s harder than it looked.  I didn’t think it was supposed to be this complicated. 

I took a deep breath and I could feel the tears begin to fill my eyes.  Crying isn’t usually what I do either.  I tend to mask my insecurities and hurt feelings with jokes and sly remarks.  I’m the one at the funeral home who has everyone else feeling bad for laughing.  This time though—is different.  This time—as much as I preach “guard your heart”—it feels like that’s what this whole thing is costing me.  This time—I’m losing sleep.  This time– I’m confident that this is the door; I’m not even questioning it.  (Also a big deal for me!)  I’m actually really excited about it all!  I even got excited about sharing it all with key team players, some of which haven’t even shown up yet.  The problem is: it’s not time to open that door just yet and waiting for it is harder than it looked.