Archive | June 2012

While I’m Waiting

Jun6

I don’t tend to wait very well.  If there’s a group of us going somewhere, I tend to be the one that’s annoyed by the time everyone else is ready to go.  While it doesn’t always work out– I prefer to be a little early to where I’m going, not late or even right on time.  If I’m waiting in traffic, I tend to start asking the car in front of me what they’re waiting on to go.  I can be found playing on my phone when I’m waiting on someone to meet me or even just standing in line for something.  Unfortunately, that tends to spill over in other areas of my life too.

For example, I tend to want to hurry up the learning process.  Sometimes I just want to take people, pick them up from where they are and put them where I think they should be.  On occasion, it’s that I want to pick them up from something bad that they’re involved in and just set them down in a much better place.  You know, because I actually know what’s best for them.  (Please note the sarcasm here.  I clearly have no idea what’s best for someone else.)  Other times, I literally just want to speed up what they’re going through.  I can tell they’re headed in the right direction; I just want them to hurry up and get there.  Particularly if it involves me.  Okay, especially if it involves me.

Don’t worry—my impatience is equal opportunity– I have that same notion for myself.  I would rather just know the lesson, and totally bypass learning it.  If only I was Mary Poppins– I could just snap my fingers and be done with it; whatever “it” is.  Sometimes, God makes something so clear to me and then I let the opinions of others cloud the way.  I wish I could just snap my fingers and all of the pieces would fall into place.

I’m learning that, the right thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing.  I’m also seeing all the ways that the Lord can do more in my waiting than I can do in my doing.  I need to be more patient with others, more patient with myself, and more patient with the Lord in what He’s doing.  I’m not clearly there yet.  I want to be.  I hope I get there soon, ha!

Happily Ever After or Until Death Do You Part (Whichever One Comes First)

Jun5

About five years ago, a friend of mine stood before God, family, and friends and made a vow with the boy she loved “to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.”  They were the epitome of a fairytale love story.  If ever there was a couple that everyone knew would go the distance—it was those two.

Never in a million years would she have ever believed that we would one day be discussing the ways she’s now struggling with how on earth she’s supposed to move on after the loss of her husband.  She lost him to war efforts about two years ago; a freak accident during a training exercise.  They have two children together and she’s in her early thirties.

She talked about all the people who want to set her up with someone.  She talked about the really good guy-friend she has, who would date her (probably even marry her) in a heartbeat.  Excitement filled her voice as she told story after story with how he is with the kids.  I asked her why she didn’t just go for it; since she’s pretty sure she’s falling for him too.  She shared that it’s not like she’s not ready to move on, it’s “just that there are so many factors in how to handle what all of this should look like”.

I listened curiously as she talked about: the complications of how to date when you have kids, the feeling of guilt she has when she considers dating someone who isn’t her late husband, the fear of allowing herself to get involved with someone that may not last and having a whole new kind of pain to get through, getting past all of the opinions of whether or not it’s “too soon” to move on, all the hesitation she has of bringing a boy who has never been married before into such a tangled web, and dealing with the obstacle of “they aren’t my in-laws anymore but they’re still my kids’ family.  I don’t even know what to call them anymore.  He’s not my father-in-law anymore, but what is he?”  I listened so intently and was with her every word of the conversation until she took a deep breath and said, “What do you think?”

I hate that question!  It’s not that I didn’t have a thought or opinion.  Let’s be honest, I almost always have a thought or opinion about something.  I was just struggling with how to offer anything to my friend when I’ve never been married before, so I’ve certainly never lost my spouse before.  I cannot even begin to comprehend how she’s feeling these days, and I undoubtedly didn’t want to pretend like I do.  So, I tried to share what I do know:

It’s okay to be nervous!  It’s not a mistake that this “good friend” is here now.  This guy hasn’t been married before, so what?  The fact that you have and that you have kids from a previous marriage clearly doesn’t scare him, or he wouldn’t keep hanging around.  Maybe he understands that “until death do you part” means just that.  God is not going to bring someone new into your world without having prepared them for all that your world brings.  Whether or not it’s “too soon” is up to you.  I would start the moving on by taking off the wedding ring, girl.  You aren’t married anymore.  I have no idea what you call your former in-laws.  Maybe “my kids’ grandparents”.  How do you date when you have kids?  I have no idea!  I struggle with the dating questions sans children, but I know it doesn’t bother him that you have kids or he wouldn’t be so smitten with them now.  He would go running in the other direction.  My advice is to breathe and be thankful that God has brought this guy your direction.  You don’t want to miss out on what He’s doing because you’re what if-ing yourself to death.  God was not at all flabbergasted by what we all considered to be a freak accident.  He knew it was coming before it happened.  He wasn’t caught off-guard then and He isn’t shocked today with all of your questions. 

I have no idea why on earth I’m the friend she brought all of this up with, because I clearly am not an expert in this area.  I don’t even consider myself to have reached rookie level, really.  I also did not want to seem insensitive with what I offered as suggestions.  Do you know what I thought about as I moved on after our conversation?  I thought: may the walls collapse.  I was just in on two people being incredibly honest with each other about their worlds, hearts, and thoughts on each other.

You really have to be careful what you pray for…

May the Walls Collapse

Jun4

It’s not much of a secret that one of my, if not my absolute, favorite Bible verses is Proverbs 4:23.  It says, “Above all else, guard your heart; for it is the wellspring of life.”  I literally designed t-shirts and banners after building a Youth Group on this verse.  It’s good stuff!  (I’ll unpack all of the goodness in this verse some other time.)

It was the focus verse of my devotion this morning and I was pretty stoked at first, because of how much I knew I already love it.  Well, this time, God kind of caught me off-guard with this one.  It was not exactly fun, but here’s what I learned…

  • I’ve actually hidden myself behind this verse in ways that aren’t exactly “good” anymore.  I guess I’ve just been too afraid to admit it, because the last time I opened my heart like that I got hurt.  However, the goal of life isn’t to not get hurt.
  • I walk through relationships in fear (don’t assume I mean just dating relationships here).  I’m afraid of getting my heart broken.  I’m afraid to be vulnerable.  Maybe that’s part of why I ask a lot of questions of the people I’m with; if we’re focused on them, they won’t actually ask about me.  I’ve done this all in the name of “guarding my heart”.
  • If I want to grow deeper in my relationship with God, then I’m rather required to enter into close relationships with other people.  That’s going to mean not holding back when I’m with safe people and I’m so not good at that!  Even my closest friends will tell you that I have a way of holding back when we’re talking, all in the name of “not wanting to be too negative”.  The truth is probably that I’m scared.
  • I tend to doubt people.  And on a not-so-good-day, even the people that I call friends.  I question if we’re even really friends or if I just know some of the most polite people ever.  I wonder just how safe my heart is with them, simply because of past betrayals by “friends”.  I wonder “if I open up about this, will it change everything?”
  • The wall that I have built around my heart to protect myself from getting hurt is the same wall that will keep God’s love from flowing out of me and into others.

The good news is that God is not mad at me for building that wall around my heart.  It was His protection for me for a long time, especially during the seasons that He was mending and healing my heart from the relationships I had no business entering into in the first place.  The thing is, it’s safe for me to come out now and if I don’t—I’m going to miss out on what He wants to do in my ministry and relationships with others.

Someone once challenged me to have enough courage to doubt my doubts.  He probably has no idea that I lost sleep that night over that challenge, but I did.  Today, I was reminded of that conversation again and can see how that’s going to play a part in this season of my praying “may the walls collapse”.  I don’t want to hide behind Proverbs 4:23 anymore.  I do want to live a life based on what that verse really means, but I don’t want to live in the extreme that I’ve gotten myself into either.  I want to have enough courage to doubt my doubts, and allow God to continue breaking down those walls and genuinely live in relationship with Him and others.

 

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”  (C.S. Lewis)

Life Is Messy

Jun3

This morning, I made the conscious decision to just not go to church today.  For those of you who know how uncharacteristic of me that is—pick up your jaw now and let me explain myself, ha!  You see, I was originally on vacation this weekend, but to make a long story short—well… sometimes your phone rings with news from home, so you pack your bags and you come back early.  And that’s okay.  While I wish the circumstances were different, I wouldn’t have been anywhere else.  But today, I opted to spend the morning with the Lord on my own.  Don’t get me wrong—I’m not advocating for making a habit of skipping church.  There’s something irreplaceable about being in solid fellowship and corporate worship with other believers.

I love when the house gets as quiet as it did after everyone left out for church.  Sure makes it a lot easier to get still, and unless I’m still I often miss what the Lord is trying to tell me.  Today, I didn’t miss it!  He had orchestrated everything about my morning to be moments of confirmation and clarification and I think I may have gotten it this time.

Normally, after the time of learning like I had this morning, a new post would soon follow.  That’s when I remembered it’s been over a week since I’ve posted anything.  Some of you have tried to let me not forget that, ha!  For that, I’m grateful for multiple reasons.   Mainly, it means you’re reading this and gaining something from it.  🙂

Here’s the thing though—I can’t figure out how to formulate my most recent thoughts, experiences, etc. into sentences that are both complete and coherent.  Just know that, while I did receive a lot of clear answers this morning, I’m still struggling these days.  Don’t get me wrong– I’m learning a lot through all of this!  I know God’s bound to be preparing me for something that I’m probably going to think is a really big deal!  He is drawing my heart in ways that I can’t explain.  It’s just that life is messy.  When I can figure out how to give you a glimpse into all of that without being so vague—I’ll let you know.

I’m sure you’re probably thinking “there’s no reason to post when there’s nothing to say”.  It’s part of me admitting that I’m not perfect, I don’t always have it together.  Plus, I guess I just figured those of you who keep asking me what the deal is with not having a new blog post in over a week deserved some sort of “explanation”.    So, there you have it.

Stay tuned…