Tag Archive | god

Happily Ever After or Until Death Do You Part (Whichever One Comes First)

Jun5

About five years ago, a friend of mine stood before God, family, and friends and made a vow with the boy she loved “to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.”  They were the epitome of a fairytale love story.  If ever there was a couple that everyone knew would go the distance—it was those two.

Never in a million years would she have ever believed that we would one day be discussing the ways she’s now struggling with how on earth she’s supposed to move on after the loss of her husband.  She lost him to war efforts about two years ago; a freak accident during a training exercise.  They have two children together and she’s in her early thirties.

She talked about all the people who want to set her up with someone.  She talked about the really good guy-friend she has, who would date her (probably even marry her) in a heartbeat.  Excitement filled her voice as she told story after story with how he is with the kids.  I asked her why she didn’t just go for it; since she’s pretty sure she’s falling for him too.  She shared that it’s not like she’s not ready to move on, it’s “just that there are so many factors in how to handle what all of this should look like”.

I listened curiously as she talked about: the complications of how to date when you have kids, the feeling of guilt she has when she considers dating someone who isn’t her late husband, the fear of allowing herself to get involved with someone that may not last and having a whole new kind of pain to get through, getting past all of the opinions of whether or not it’s “too soon” to move on, all the hesitation she has of bringing a boy who has never been married before into such a tangled web, and dealing with the obstacle of “they aren’t my in-laws anymore but they’re still my kids’ family.  I don’t even know what to call them anymore.  He’s not my father-in-law anymore, but what is he?”  I listened so intently and was with her every word of the conversation until she took a deep breath and said, “What do you think?”

I hate that question!  It’s not that I didn’t have a thought or opinion.  Let’s be honest, I almost always have a thought or opinion about something.  I was just struggling with how to offer anything to my friend when I’ve never been married before, so I’ve certainly never lost my spouse before.  I cannot even begin to comprehend how she’s feeling these days, and I undoubtedly didn’t want to pretend like I do.  So, I tried to share what I do know:

It’s okay to be nervous!  It’s not a mistake that this “good friend” is here now.  This guy hasn’t been married before, so what?  The fact that you have and that you have kids from a previous marriage clearly doesn’t scare him, or he wouldn’t keep hanging around.  Maybe he understands that “until death do you part” means just that.  God is not going to bring someone new into your world without having prepared them for all that your world brings.  Whether or not it’s “too soon” is up to you.  I would start the moving on by taking off the wedding ring, girl.  You aren’t married anymore.  I have no idea what you call your former in-laws.  Maybe “my kids’ grandparents”.  How do you date when you have kids?  I have no idea!  I struggle with the dating questions sans children, but I know it doesn’t bother him that you have kids or he wouldn’t be so smitten with them now.  He would go running in the other direction.  My advice is to breathe and be thankful that God has brought this guy your direction.  You don’t want to miss out on what He’s doing because you’re what if-ing yourself to death.  God was not at all flabbergasted by what we all considered to be a freak accident.  He knew it was coming before it happened.  He wasn’t caught off-guard then and He isn’t shocked today with all of your questions. 

I have no idea why on earth I’m the friend she brought all of this up with, because I clearly am not an expert in this area.  I don’t even consider myself to have reached rookie level, really.  I also did not want to seem insensitive with what I offered as suggestions.  Do you know what I thought about as I moved on after our conversation?  I thought: may the walls collapse.  I was just in on two people being incredibly honest with each other about their worlds, hearts, and thoughts on each other.

You really have to be careful what you pray for…

May the Walls Collapse

Jun4

It’s not much of a secret that one of my, if not my absolute, favorite Bible verses is Proverbs 4:23.  It says, “Above all else, guard your heart; for it is the wellspring of life.”  I literally designed t-shirts and banners after building a Youth Group on this verse.  It’s good stuff!  (I’ll unpack all of the goodness in this verse some other time.)

It was the focus verse of my devotion this morning and I was pretty stoked at first, because of how much I knew I already love it.  Well, this time, God kind of caught me off-guard with this one.  It was not exactly fun, but here’s what I learned…

  • I’ve actually hidden myself behind this verse in ways that aren’t exactly “good” anymore.  I guess I’ve just been too afraid to admit it, because the last time I opened my heart like that I got hurt.  However, the goal of life isn’t to not get hurt.
  • I walk through relationships in fear (don’t assume I mean just dating relationships here).  I’m afraid of getting my heart broken.  I’m afraid to be vulnerable.  Maybe that’s part of why I ask a lot of questions of the people I’m with; if we’re focused on them, they won’t actually ask about me.  I’ve done this all in the name of “guarding my heart”.
  • If I want to grow deeper in my relationship with God, then I’m rather required to enter into close relationships with other people.  That’s going to mean not holding back when I’m with safe people and I’m so not good at that!  Even my closest friends will tell you that I have a way of holding back when we’re talking, all in the name of “not wanting to be too negative”.  The truth is probably that I’m scared.
  • I tend to doubt people.  And on a not-so-good-day, even the people that I call friends.  I question if we’re even really friends or if I just know some of the most polite people ever.  I wonder just how safe my heart is with them, simply because of past betrayals by “friends”.  I wonder “if I open up about this, will it change everything?”
  • The wall that I have built around my heart to protect myself from getting hurt is the same wall that will keep God’s love from flowing out of me and into others.

The good news is that God is not mad at me for building that wall around my heart.  It was His protection for me for a long time, especially during the seasons that He was mending and healing my heart from the relationships I had no business entering into in the first place.  The thing is, it’s safe for me to come out now and if I don’t—I’m going to miss out on what He wants to do in my ministry and relationships with others.

Someone once challenged me to have enough courage to doubt my doubts.  He probably has no idea that I lost sleep that night over that challenge, but I did.  Today, I was reminded of that conversation again and can see how that’s going to play a part in this season of my praying “may the walls collapse”.  I don’t want to hide behind Proverbs 4:23 anymore.  I do want to live a life based on what that verse really means, but I don’t want to live in the extreme that I’ve gotten myself into either.  I want to have enough courage to doubt my doubts, and allow God to continue breaking down those walls and genuinely live in relationship with Him and others.

 

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”  (C.S. Lewis)