Archive | October 2012

A Boy Called Rusty

Oct9
I used to curl up in the living room in front of our television with the rest of the family for The Closer every Monday night.  Mainly because of the fact that the main character was Chief Brenda Lee Johnson, played by Kyra Sedgwick.  I have a high respect for the lady who would not only close most every single case but win and allowed chocolate to be her side kick.  As the TNT series was coming to an end, we were introduced to a boy called Rusty.
Rusty is a teenage boy who was found in downtown Los Angeles by the Major Crimes division of the LAPD when it was determined he was the key witness to a murder.  By the series finale, Rusty was needing to be kept in protective custody.  Therefore, he went home to stay with Captain Sharon Rayder.  Cue the opening music to the spin-off show Major Crimes.  That tradition of settling in and turning the tv to TNT has continued with Major Crimes.  For the most part the cast is the same, but Rusty’s story is now the common thread that ties each week together.  Rusty is the reason that I tune in!
Over the past couple of weeks, we have learned that Rusty was abandoned by his mom when she left him for her boyfriend.  The same boyfriend who used to pound Rusty’s face until the day that Rusty beat the crap out of him.  The very next day is when mom and said boyfriend took him to the zoo and never came back for him.  My blood is boiling even while I type this!  I cannot fathom a mom choosing her abusive boyfriend over her son.  Since the night we learned Rusty’s mom wasn’t coming back, Captain Rayder has had folks on the search for Rusty’s dad (whom Rusty had never met).  Last night, after only two episodes of Rusty’s dad being in the picture, Sharon came home to find Rusty with black eyes and a busted lip.  When she asked him what happened, we learned his dad had done this to him.  WHAT IN THE WORLD?!?!  Again, I cannot fathom what it must feel like to be Rusty.
There I sat, curled up on the opposite end of the couch of my own dad.  My dad who has been the spiritual leader of our house my entire life, Jesus in the flesh.  My dad who loves my mom and all three of us crazy girls.  My dad who has empowered me to think for myself and supported my decisions, even the ones he did not necessarily understand at the time.  How is it fair that I hit the jackpot when it comes to dads and there are kids like Rusty all over the place?  I come home to sober parents, who have created a safe home for, not just the three girls born to them but, all of our friends too.  It’s not unusual to walk in and find our friends visiting with our parents when we weren’t even there, but there are other kids who have never heard the words “I love you” or “I’m proud of you” come from their parents’ mouths.  That’s not okay with me!
I know God is stirring up something in my heart, something that’s going to allow me to stand in the gaps for kids like Rusty.  I’m not gonna lie, it freaks me out a little because I know it’s probably not going to make sense to a lot of people.  It’s not going to allow me to be safe and I like to feel safe.  Like, a LOT.  Parts of it are a little scary and I can’t stand to be scared.  I love Christmas, not Halloween.
The thing is though, I’m also being reminded that the heart of God is not always a safe place to be.  In fact, it’s usually pretty unsafe.  If I want to go with God, I have to be willing to build an ark and ride it for forty days and forty nights with snakes, spiders, and mosquitoes.  If I want to go with God, I have to be willing to lay my son on the altar knowing God will provide the ram.  It’s not all adding up to me, but faith usually doesn’t…
Right?
RIGHT?!?

But That Wasn’t the Plan

Oct8

In August of 2003, I packed my bags and moved to Mars Hill, North Carolina as a freshman at Mars Hill College.  If you’ve never heard of Mars Hill, don’t fret– most people haven’t.  Just think: Asheville.  I have determined that you do not find Mars Hill; Mars Hill finds you.  Graduating from MHC as a Youth Ministry major had been the plan all along.  The path to graduation had a few bumps and turns in the road along the way, but I stayed steady the course and finished.  I mean, come on, that was the plan!

In December of 2007, I packed everything up and moved back to Rocky Mount.  Some of you who either grew up here or now live here are probably floored by that decision.  Who moves back here?!?  Yeah, I was wondering that too.  I could have easily stayed.  If I had not been so broken and exhausted by the time I walked across the stage to shake the President’s hand to receive my diploma, staying may have been more appealing.  But I was so it wasn’t.  Instead, I crawled in the car with my family and close family friends who had come to see that infamous walk and help me move everything back east.  I wasn’t sure what would be next.  I mean, there wasn’t a plan in place.  Most college graduates have a plan.  Right?  They’re either taking a job somewhere or starting graduate school.  I, of all people, should have had a plan.  I always have a plan.  This time was different; there wasn’t a plan.  All I knew was that I was in the back seat of a car headed East on I-40 and I was already feeling overwhelmed with all of the what-ifs. (What if I don’t find a job?  What if I can’t start paying my student loans back?  What if I end up in Rocky Mount forever?  What if my degree really is useless?  What if I need to see a doctor but don’t have health insurance?)

Now, almost five years later, I still don’t feel like I have a plan.  At all.  I was a Youth Ministry major and now I’m working as a Director of Admissions.  I was the one who thought she’d be married and living elsewhere by now, anywhere else.  I always saw myself on stage somewhere, honestly.  And you may be thinking that I somehow missed the mark along the way.  (I often wonder that myself.)  But that wasn’t the plan.  At least, that wasn’t God’s plan. 

Y’all know how much of a planner I can be.  That I’m a sucker for cute calendars and fun pens to color coordinate it all.  I’m learning that I don’t have to always have a plan.  As much as I’d like to sometimes.  And that’s a relief because if I did– I would be feeling like an epic failure right about now. 

I’ve been reminded, in some pretty painful ways lately, that God’s plan is bigger and cooler than anything I could ever come up with.  I’m being reminded that He still, absolutely, has the plan in place and in motion and that should be enough for me.  I’m being reminded that, if I’ll stop focusing on what the future has in store, I can be so much more faithful today.  And today is all I’m promised so today is where my focus should be.  

To say that I’m there yet would be misleading…

When No Meant Yes

Oct8

Recently, I’ve been kind of forced into going through things that have been in storage since I graduated college; that’s been almost five years ago.  I even sorted boxes of things that represent my childhood and high school days.  I’m utterly amazed at some of what I’ve held onto for this long, things that I thought were really important (and let’s be honest, at the time, they were).  

My college boxes were probably the most random of things packed together.  Which makes sense, because most of my college days had very little order about them.  I found notes that were passed during Spanish class, cards that were sent through campus mail by friends, and even notes that had been left on my keyboard from one pretty awesome roommate.  The things I laughed at the most were the things I wrote.  I came across the first piece of serious writing I attempted and giggled out loud at the thought of who the main characters represented.  I’m not gonna lie, it was hard not to be impressed with myself for writing a multi-chapter book while still in high school.  Old prayer journals were found and I belly laughed at the things I asked God for.  Knowing what I know now, I am so incredibly thankful that He said no to so much of that.  He could have given all of that to me and I’m certain that I would be miserable in it by now! 

I should probably burn most of what I found, but maybe I’ll keep it a little longer.  Maybe I’ll use those old journals as a reminder of how gracious God is to give me what I need, rather than what I think I want.  I’m learning that when it felt like He was saying “no”, He was really saying “yes” to things and dreams I couldn’t see yet…

Virtual Reality

Oct4
Remember the days of AIM?  We could sit at our computer and let our fingers do the chatting.  We could be in our pajamas with no make-up and hair pulled up, chatting with the boy from fourth period and still seem really cute.  I think that’s where it started; this idea of communicating (don’t get me started about miscommunicating) without ever having to actually talk to each other.  And Facebook (back then MySpace) gives us the power to display our lives in pictures and status updates and yes…. there’s even a chat option! And then there’s Google Chat.  Heaven forbid we get up from our desks and go talk to someone when we can just message them.  We can “chat” on our phones with text messenging.  We never have to actually pick up the phone and call anymore or get in the car and stop by their house.
I’m guilty!  In fact, I could easily be the most guilty.  I answer the phone all day long at work, I’m not dying to talk on one come five o’clock either.  I too am I fan of just texting “running five minutes late” instead of spending those five minutes calling and explaining myself beforehand just to be ten minutes late instead.  I like that I can edit what I say multiple times before hitting send.  Maybe I can filter things a little better that way, right?
The thing is though, as convenient as living in that virtual world can be sometimes, it’s not reality.  The reality is, I meant that text sarcastically and you took it seriously.  Or you meant it matter of factly and I felt like you were yelling.  All because the tone and facial expressions aren’t present.  The reality is, we aren’t building genuine relationships with each other anymore.  We’re letting Facebook tell our good news instead.  Someone just got engaged– shouldn’t we all be jumping up and down, squealing with them?  It’s your birthday and your phone’s blowing up with text messages.  Wouldn’t you rather hear “Happy Birthday” sung off key by your closest friends instead?  Your grandmother passed away and I missed it.  I missed it because instead of being in your world lately– I was counting on Facebook to keep me updated and it didn’t.
We get in the same room with people that we claim to be really good friends with and when it’s all over– we wonder if anyone heard a word that was said because everyone was texting someone else or logging online with laptops, ipads, and cell phones.  Maybe we never actually replied to the folks texting us, but we were at least distracted by the buzzing in our pockets or the chime from across the room and the person on the couch next to us is fighting back tears and we missed it.  My fear is that we’ve allowed ourselves to be so busy with a gamut of things, that we’re losing the ability to genuinely be in relationship, in community, in daily life with each other.
Many of you have messaged me lately wanting to know where I’ve been with my blog posts.  I love that you are faithful readers!  I look forward to the day when  I meet you face to face and autograph my first book for you.  Wouldn’t that be fun? 🙂  Ha!  Seriously though, there’s a part of me that really wants to write the thing that changes someone else’s world; have a book published that does more than serve as coaster.  Most of me though, would really rather slide in a booth across from you and really dive into your world.  And let you into mine.
I’m afraid I’m losing the ability to be really honest with the people that I’m sitting in front of, because I’ve either already said it in a blog post or Facebook status.  Or the opposite.  I haven’t fleshed it out with a keyboard, so I can’t possibly be ready to tell you about it yet.  I need to sort it out, organize my thoughts, and then “talk”.  Sometimes, the most honest moments, are the ones that aren’t well thought out.  I’m attempting to scale back on texting too.  If you know me, you know that’s a big deal!
We were created for relationship.  For this girl, that means quality time and physical touch.  So the reality is, virtual relationships don’t work for me.  I struggle to believe you really want to be in my world if aren’t near each other.  (I know, I know… but I’m busy.  It’s easier to text with you while I’m cooking dinner or in between plays of the game.  Why can’t we make more time for each other?)  And I struggle to speak gifts, words of affirmation and acts of service (for those of you that aren’t fluent qt/pt people) when it doesn’t feel real.
So… that’s where I’ve been.  I don’t want folks to use my blog (or Facebook or texting) as a substitute for being in genuine relationship with me.  And I don’t want to replace you with the virtual world either.  I’d rather we actually know each other instead…