I’ve been journaling for years, it’s just what I do. I’m safe to share whatever I want to there. I don’t risk crossing any lines to just say what I really think, how I really feel. My vulnerability knows no limits when it’s just me and my pen. When it’s me and anyone else though—that’s not so much the case.
The truth is, I’m afraid to be vulnerable. To just sit and spill my heart is completely unnatural for me. I can count on one hand the number of people who I would say really know me, and even out of those few people there are some pieces of my heart that aren’t shared with them either. I can sit and listen to someone else’s all day long, but please don’t ask about me. And if you do, you can expect that I’m not going to share everything, because I tend to doubt how safe I really am to do so.
About three months ago, I was challenged to have enough courage to doubt my doubts. And I genuinely did that. And apparently it lasted about three month, because over the past couple of weeks, I’ve gone back to doubting. I’ve gotten right to the edge of being 100% open, 100% real, 100% transparent, but caught a glimpse at how far down it could be if I fell and instead backed up 100% instead. I haven’t been as quick to just say what I really think, how I really feel. I’ve returned to holding back. My heart’s in an incredibly bizarre place right now, struggling with emotions that I don’t think I could define if I tried.
In the midst of that though, God is still approaching me in ways that I really can’t wrap my mind around. I’m just ready for when He makes it a little more obvious that this waiting game is worth it…
Show Me What It Means 
“My heart’s in an incredibly bizarre place right now, struggling with emotions that I don’t think I could define if I tried.” Yep, totally what I’ve been going through. I keep using the word “bizarre” to try and describe how it feels to … well, I don’t know what I’m feeling. I’m in a waiting season, too. Probably not the same season as you (or maybe so, I don’t know), and it’s been hard. I’ve dealt with some depression/anxiety, and through that God reigned me in closer to Him. I used to think that my depression/anxiety was a result of some sin, but that’s not so.
You could, in the very least, say you’ve practiced for three months being 100% real. I don’t believe that time is wasted now because you took steps backward. You know what I mean? I also found that I clung to the depression/anxiety as a security – as weird as that is to say. I dreaded the “feeling”, the “emotion”, and took every opportunity to run from it – but it was scary to not have it in my corner anymore as something to cling to. I know that’s vague, and I’m not saying that you’re clinging to anything. I just wanted to share in hopes that it may say something to you, as your blog has spoken to me many times.
Megan, thanks for sharing in my journey! I appreciate your willingness to be so open and honest about your most experiences too…