I laid on my bed with pen and paper in hand.  Having just watched an early episode of Gilmore Girls, I was feeling very empowered to just say what I needed to say.  The Gilmores tend to have that effect on me and the last few weeks had my struggle to just be friends with Will had become almost unbearable.  I was tired of over-analyzing every text message and conversation and time together.  I had fallen way too hard to try and just be his friend.  Between my own struggles and some of the things that Katherine had asked me or shared, I was starting to feel like there was two girls at stake in all of this.  So, I did what I always do to flesh something out– took pen to paper.

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For about the fifth time, I was editing this letter to Will.  This wasn’t the first time that I had put myself out there in a note to this boy, but ten months and a lot had happened since the first one.  I knew this one would be the last time I could let myself go through this and still be okay, so it said everything I wanted it to say.  My heart was ripping as I poured every bit of it and lots of tears onto blue and green stationary.  I knew I could probably live without being with him, I’ve done it for twenty seven years.  I also knew that I just really didn’t want to; not when I knew in my heart of hearts that he was the one for me.  Having reached my limit though, I sealed the final product and grabbed tape to just go leave it on his door while he was out.

Keys in one hand, note and tape in another, I was getting ready to walk out the door when my phone started going off.  “1 New Msg from Will Geanes” flashed on my screen.  He said he knew it was short notice, but could we get together and talk tonight.  We had been attempting to do just that for a while and had even been successful; I just couldn’t bring myself to be that honest with him.  I was scared.  Scared that it wouldn’t work out like I wanted it to.  Scared that my heart wouldn’t recover if I was wrong.  Scared that he didn’t even see us as friends, he was just being the polite guy that he is and I was a really convenient buddy for Katherine.   

Okay then, Lord.  We’ll talk about it in person.  I can do this, right?  Lord, give me the boldness to be completely honest and the ability to not cry in front of him when he says, “no thanks” again.  I got the parents to agree to hang out and do dinner with Katherine so he and I could go eat together and talk.  The next thing I knew, Katherine was content to be with my parents and we were walking out the back door, towards his car.