Two days ago, I turned down an invitation to join a ministry team of people whom I already know and love.  A team of people who are doing things completely out of the box when you compare it to what “ministry” has traditionally looked like in our city.  A team of people whom, tonight, I got to hug and catch up with a little and finally grasp a glimpse of what God is doing in and through.  I turned it down on Friday and wondered for an entire two days if I’d made the right move.  How do you pray for a way to do ministry in your city that’s non-traditional, get invited to join in on just that, and turn it down?  Who does that?!?  This girl.

This girl who is slowly walking towards what God designed and wired her for long before she was cognitive of the idea that God even had a plan for her.  This girl who is excited for what’s in store and is longing for the day when she’s bold enough to just say it out loud and not care about what’s always been expected of her.  This girl who is learning how to live life, expectations aside…

“What do you want to be when you grow up?”  It’s one of the first (consistent) questions that we all get asked when we’re little kids.  My cousin wanted to be a fireman and he is.  My childhood best friend wanted to be a teacher and she is.  One friend wanted to be a chef and until she became a mom—she was one.  Another friend wanted to be a nurse and she is.  I can’t remember what I said I wanted to be when I grew up.  I just remember not really liking the question.

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“What’s your plan when you graduate?  We need to determine which pathway you should be on.”  I remember sitting in my Guidance Counselor’s office thinking that I had no idea what my plan was.  I can remember wanting to get married, have kids, raise our kids in church, teach Youth Sunday School together and be the best soccer mom there’s ever been.  But what was my plan when I graduate?  College.  We all go to college.  Right?!?  If you don’t go to college, you aren’t driven.  I was supposed to be “driven”.  So we nailed it down; I was on the College Prep pathway.

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Maybe it was the music.  Maybe it was the preacher.  Maybe it was being high on sunscreen, sunburn, and boys of the sun.  Maybe it was the “I can see you working somewhere like here one day”.  Maybe it was the pressure and emotion of that Friday night at camp “invitation”.  Maybe it was knowing that I would finally have an answer to the what-do-you-want-to-be-when-you-grow-up question that made me tell everyone I was being called into Youth Ministry.  But those were definitely the words I blurted out in our group’s Caswell kitchen that night and from that night on; I was on the fast-track to being a Youth Minister.  I based all of my high school friendships and decisions on it.  It was one of the biggest factors in nailing down a college and how I spent those college summer vacations.  It’s determined where and how I’m asked to serve in church(es).

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Fifteen years, two youth director positions and several decisions later, I’m left wondering if I got it wrong then or if I’m getting it wrong now.  I know what I want my world to look like, but I don’t think I’m ready to say it out loud.  Probably because I’m not really sure how to get there or how long it will take.  But I do know that, if one more person asks me “what are you most passionate about,” (formerly known as “what do you want to be when you grow up”) there’s a good chance I’ll explode…

Right now, most of the people that we come in contact with every single day are dying and going straight to hell.  As Christians, that should piss us off but we’re walking around living life our own way, with our busy lives and schedules like we don’t give a damn but we could be doing something about it.

Admit it; what grabbed your attention the most is that I used the words “piss” and “damn”.

Something’s detrimentally wrong with that…

“It’s probably just growing pains.”  That was usually my mom’s response to the aches and pains that couldn’t be explained in the moment.  That kind of growth usually meant that I was about to have a growth spurt.  (Given my height, I clearly didn’t have many of those, huh?)  They were painful and it seemed wrong not to be able to explain them right then.

Fast forward to adulthood and those growing pains look really different.  They still can’t be explained in the moment, but they ache just as much.  Those sharp pains aren’t usually in our joints anymore but our hearts.

These days, I’m learning that those crazy aches and pains that can’t be explained may very well be just God protecting me from something.  It may be that He just wants me all to Himself right now or that He has something better suited for me coming.  God knows the beginning, the middle and the end and my story.  He truly wants the best for us, as our Father.  I just need to have the faith to recognize it, believe it and live it.   And to remember that’s probably just growing pains…