I pulled in and just sat there behind the driver’s seat.  I gripped tight the steering wheel and stared at the door.  My heart’s known this whole time that I am not looking for anything; I found it a while ago.  My head took a little convincing, but it’s been convinced for a while now too.  It’s the not-knowing where the rest of the team stands that has me so scared, as my old friend coined it.

I gripped the steering wheel and stared at the door.  Now, if I can just get myself from the car through the door.

I’ve always been the good girl.  I’ve tried to do everything a good girl would do.  Meaning, I’ve strived to do what others expected of me.  If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, then you already know that I tend to only take on what I’m already good at.  I don’t want to mess something up.  Recently, that’s caught up with me in some incredible ways.  Particularly, when it comes to moving forward with what God wants from me.  What if it doesn’t look like what everyone expects?  What if I let everyone down?  Even more than all of that: I don’t want to let God down, if I mess it up!

It’s nerve-racking to think am I going to do anything that’s going to quench the Spirit?  Did I hear God correctly?  Have I listened?  Have I been in tune, entrusted with this responsibility?  I’m gonna mess this up.  I’m gonna mess this up!  And sometimes, I’ll be just so overwhelmed with it that I can hardly get focused.  That’s exactly where I was this time too, when I heard God say to me, “YOU AREN’T THAT GOOD!  You aren’t good enough to mess this up, girl.  I’ve still got this.  Just open the door and keep walking!”

My pride hasn’t been letting me really experience the full invitation from the Lord.  But this time, I was determined for it to be different.  So, I took a deep breath.  I felt myself begin to loosen the grip on the steering wheel.  I hit the unlock button, reached for the door handle, and opened the door.

“For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.”

(2 Timothy 1:7)