Have you ever had “one of those days”?  Usually, when I’m having “one of those days”, I can pinpoint why.  Someone or something has set me off and I’m just taking it out on the world for a while.  In my taking it out on the world, every little thing feels like it’s gone all wrong.  Think: Alexander and the Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day.

Today, was “one of those days”.  The only problem is– I can’t even tell you why.  It’s like I woke up in a bad mood.  Which, doesn’t make sense; early mornings are my actually my favorite.  Not today.  The water wouldn’t warm up fast enough.  My sister was in the bathroom when I wanted to be.  My car was cold when I got in it.  I was borderline snippy with a friend of mine, who didn’t do much of anything besides say “good morning”.  That’s when I realized I needed to get a grip on myself.  So, I walked into my office, closed the door and just cried.  I’d officially reached the breaking point.  Maybe that’s all I needed?  A good cry.  Then I felt bad about falling apart, like I somehow needed to have my life in perfect shape before facing the world.

Where does that mentality come from?  This idea that you have to have everything together all the time.  Part of me says that it comes from being an organizer/perfectionist.  If everything’s not planned out, in perfect order, it’s not ready.  I think I’ve somehow translated that to my life.  Part of me says that it comes from the expectations that I’ve convinced myself other people have of me.  Truth be told, I don’t think anyone thinks about someone else that much.  If they do, that’s probably not healthy.  Ha!  Most of me knows that it goes much deeper than that though.  I think I somehow came to believe that I need to have everything “together” from church. 

Anyone else have a mom who could put you and your sisters in your places just before opening the van door and greeting someone else in the parking lot with all smiles– all in the same breath?  I love my mom, don’t get me wrong.  I’m not blaming it all on her!  I’ve grown up watching (not just) women in churches greet each other with “Good Morning, how are you?”  “Great, how are you?”  “I’m fantastic”.  Somehow, I began to believe that “I’m fantastic” was supposed to be the answer and that I better get fantastic before I started making contact with other people.  I also grew up hearing that the Christian life is the good life.  Let’s be honest though, while it totally and completely is the good life in Jesus– it doesn’t necessarily feel like it 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. 

Recently, I’ve begun to feel incredibly restless.  I’m restless at church, like I don’t fit in.  I’m restless at work, like I was meant for something different.  I’m restless in my friendships, questioning who my garden friends really are.  (You know, the ones that truly just “get” you and you know that you know, you’re really friends.)  I’m restless in my own room, like God is really far away.  My room has always been a refuge for me.  It’s as if I’m barely hanging on these days.

Do you know what I’m learning though?  I’m learning that’s okay.  I’m not perfect.  Praise God that I’m not supposed to be!!!  That’s a lot of unnecessary pressure.  Jesus, you know the only one I’m supposed to be listening to anyway, taught that I don’t have to have it all together all the time.  Ever really.  He basically said, in the Sermon on the Mount “admit that you need Me, that you don’t have it all together”.  

I’m learning that God does not have a one-size-fits-all plan.   It’s okay not to fit someone else’s mold, someone else’s expectations.  The curtain tore; we don’t have to go through anyone else for the plan.  I long terribly for the day that I no longer care what people think.  The day that I just walk in the knowledge that I don’t have to have it all together all the time.  I’m not there yet!  Praise God for the grace that allows me to find my way to that place…